Forever Falling
by i-love-svu
Summary: When faced with the tragedy, Julie must find a way to deal with her daughter's death. A lost of angst and drama, because I was in the mood for it. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: What started out as a oneshot, this now has several chapters that I will be posting later. I'm a HUGE Julie fan and can never find any good stories about her so I wrote this one.**

**Summary: Faced with the tragedy, Julie must deal with her daughter's death.

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"Neil, let me answer the phone," Julie giggled. Her fiancé, Neil Roberts, had his arms around her waist and was attempting to pull her back to their bedroom. Julie, however, was more interested in seeing who was calling.

She hadn't talked to Marissa last night or earlier that morning. It was now almost one in the afternoon and she still hadn't heard from her eldest daughter.

"No, let it go. They'll leave a message," He said between kisses.

Julie grabbed the phone off the counter. "Hello?" She answered it, Neil's lips still grazing her neck.

"_Mrs. Cooper Nichol?"_

"Yes. Who's calling?" Julie replied.

Neil gave up on trying to get her back to bed. He moved over to the refrigerator and poured himself a glass of orange juice. With a grin he turned around to look at Julie, expecting to see her talking to one of the neighbors or someone of the like. But instead, as he saw her, his smile faded.

The color had drained from Julie's face and she looked ready to faint.

"Julie?" Neil calmly sipped his drink. He assumed it was just something to do with the Newpsies, but as the second ticked passed, he saw that wasn't it at all.

"N-no, you're wrong," She choked back a sob as the words left her mouth.

Julie listened intently to the person on the other line for a moment, then clicked the phone off and set it back on the counter.

"Julie?" Neil asked again. He placed his drink on the counter, just as she had done with the phone. Something told him that she had bad news.

"That w-was the hospital," Julie shakily explained.

"Is everything okay?" Neil took a step toward her, his face full of concern.

"No…" She began sobbing. The tears flowed freely down her pale cheeks.

"Julie, what is it?" Neil was now at her side, his hand comfortingly stroking her arm. He had never seen Julie cry. She was one of the only strong women he knew. The type that never let anything bother them, or show that it had an affect on them. So he was extremely surprised to see her in hysterics.

Through the vast amount of sobs and tears, she only managed two words.

"Marissa's dead."


	2. Chapter 2

**Note: I really love writing Julie as drama/angsty. It's fun and I believe that if TPTB would give her something that required loads of emotion, she could pull it off better than most actresses. So forgive me for the drama this story has. Trust me, you'll be seeing plenty of it.

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A knock came from the door, jolting Neil from his thoughts. He stood up from his seat in the kitchen and strode to answer it.

Much to his surprise, he found Sandy Cohen standing on the other side.

"Sandy, come in."

Silence fell between the two as the older of the men lead them into the kitchen to sit down. It was quiet in the house; Had Sandy shown up a few hours earlier, he would have had seen and heard a much different story.

"So…" Neil poured each of them a cup of coffee. "I suppose you were just in the neighborhood?"

"No." Sandy sighed, accepting the coffee mug from Neil. "A friend of mine in the hospital called this morning to say they had someone on a slab that they thought I knew." He didn't say anything else. Just awaited a reply.

It was Neil's turn to sigh now. He couldn't seem to come up with anything to say, so he sighed again.

"How's Julie?" Sandy broke the silence.

"Bad. After the hospital called, she had to be sedated. Her doctor is in the bedroom right now, giving her a bit more." Neil sat down on one of the bar stools at the island in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Sandy set the mug down. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Not at the moment. I appreciate the offer. How's Kirsten? I heard Ryan was involved in the accident."

Sandy sighed again. "She's at the hospital with him now. I couldn't really tell how she was doing; She ran out of the house so fast it was hard to tell." He decided to leave out the part about Marissa dying in Ryan's arms.

Julie's doctor, a tall man with jet black hair, walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Is she okay?" Neil asked quietly.

"She's better. Asleep, at the moment. When she wakes up, she'll be groggy. Don't let her drive, and don't leave her alone." The doctor handed Neil a slip of paper. "That's a prescription for sleeping pills. She'll probably need them. Don't hesitate to call me with any questions."

With that, the man vanished from the house. Sandy chose to do the same.

"Well, if you or Julie needs anything, please, call me." Sandy nodded once to Neil, then headed for the front door.

Neil stared out the picture window, waiting for his fiancé to wake up. And whatever nightmares or tears she brought with her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! I was expecting people to hate it, considering most people detest Julie. This chapter is rather short but I hope you'll like it anyway.

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Julie groggily groaned as she opened her eyes. She had a headache, a very severe one and couldn't quite remember where she was or how she had gotten there. Her attempts to sit up where fruitless, as each time she tried, she became overcome with dizziness and had been forced to lay back down.

As she was about to yell for Neil, he appeared in the doorway as if he had known she needed him.

"Feeling better?" He cautiously asked, hovering in the entrance of the room.

Julie swallowed. "I'm dizzy." She couldn't remember what had happened earlier that morning. Something told her it wasn't good, but she just couldn't remember.

"Stay there and I'll get you some water." Neil left the doorway before Julie could protest.

As she waited for him to return, Julie tried to remember what it was she had forgotten. It was something bad, horrible…. Something involving Marissa.

And suddenly, she remembered.

Marissa was dead. Her baby was gone forever. She couldn't remember the details, how it had happened, but it didn't matter. Just when things had gotten calmed down between them and they were on good terms, she was gone. Julie clenched the blanket beneath her in her hands, her nails ripping into the silky fabric. The unstoppable tears began, and she choked back the sobs that threatened to explode from her.

Neil reentered the room, a glass of water in hand. He saw Julie, the tears on her cheeks, and he ran forward to hold her, dropping the glass to the floor.

He pulled the crying woman into his arms and stroked her hair. Just as his arms encircled her, sobs erupted. They filled the silence, echoing throughout the empty house.

Julie sobbed uncontrollably, pain shooting through her body with each cry. She took Neil's shirt in her hands, which had balled into fists. She buried her face in his chest, his arms still around her shoulders.

"It'll be okay," He offered in attempt to calm her.

"It won't!" Julie's muffled voice retorted. "She's dead! Don't you understand!"

She released his shirt from her grasp as she sat upright. Her tears slowed, but didn't stop completely.

"She's gone," She said again, calmer this time.

"I know. I'm sorry."

But Julie failed to see or hear just how truly sorry Neil was for her loss. She stood up from the bed, unsteadily, and strode into the bathroom. He followed after her, only to moments later have the door slammed in his face.

He sighed, seeing that things were already getting worse with her. He had expected it, just not so soon.

With another sigh, Neil walked to the large window, glancing out at the ocean. He listened to Julie's quiet cries for a moment, then turned back to face the door.

"Julie, if you need me, honey, I'll be in the kitchen."

It seemed cruel, leaving a grieving mother alone while she was crying her poor heart out. But he couldn't bear hearing her sobbing, and knew that she wouldn't be stopping anytime soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: Again, thanks for the reviews! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own The O.C. If I did things would be A LOT different.

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**5:13 P.M.**

Julie awoke several hours later with a groan. She had a splitting headache and felt sick to her stomach. Sleeping on the bathroom floor probably had something to do with her aches, but most of it came from the news she had received earlier that morning.

She very slowly sat up, pushing herself off the floor with her hands. She blinked, adjusting her eyes to the darkness. It was pitch black in the room.

Julie got to her knees, not daring to stand upright, and made her way to the sink. Her hands hit the cold marble with a thud and she used the sink to steady herself whilst she stood up.

As she hit the switch, she covered her eyes with her free hand, the bright lights being a bit of a shock to her.

Once her eyes became attuned to the lighting change, Julie slipped her pink cotton bathrobe on over her clothes. With a sigh, she walked out of the bathroom to find Neil.

He wasn't in the kitchen, the living room, or anywhere else in the house that she had searched. Julie crossed her arms in front of her chest as she strode to the sliding glass door, hoping to find her fiancé outside somewhere.

The door wasn't locked, so she simply slid it open and stepped out. For the middle of June, it wasn't bad outside. A little hot but nothing unbearable. She looked to the left. No sign of Neil. Then to the right. He wasn't there either.

She started walking toward the pool. _"Maybe he's swimming," _She thought.

"Julie?"

She spun around and found Neil standing in the doorway to the house. He looked worried, which somewhat surprised her.

"I was just looking for you," She quietly replied.

"Do you need anything? Are you hungry?"

Julie shook her head 'no'. She walked to where Neil was standing and when they were inches apart, she rested her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, then guided her into the house.

"Will you lay next to me?" Julie asked. She was fighting back tears and it was evident in her voice.

"Yes."

As he helped her get underneath the blankets, a single tear fell from her eye.

"I really am sorry, honey," He softly told her as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Things were going to be different," Julie whispered through her tears. She was sobbing, as she had been earlier. The crystal tears simply slid down her pale cheeks without showing how devastated she truly was. "I can't believe she's dead…"

Neil pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair and whispered soothingly into her ear, hoping to give her the comfort she so desperately needed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: I really appreciate the reviews!

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**10:30 P.M.**

"Julie, you have to eat something."

Neil looked at his fiancé, worry flashing in his blue eyes. She hadn't eaten anything in over twelve hours and he was concerned about her.

"I don't want to try. It'll just make me sick," Julie quietly told him. She rested her head in her hands as he continued to talk. He didn't speak about anything specific; Clients at the hospital, events happening that month. He didn't want there to be silence in the house, so it was either his voice or Julie's cries. He decided his voice would probably be the better choice.

The doorbell rang suddenly, making both of them jump. Before Neil could stop her, Julie was on her way to the door to answer it.

She wiped her eyes, getting rid of the remaining tears, as she pulled the door open. Much to her surprise, it was Kirsten.

"Julie, I'm so sorry about Marissa," The blonde woman said to fill the silence between them.

Julie gestured for Kirsten to enter. They stood in the foyer for a moment until Neil joined them.

"Kirsten. What brings you here at this hour?"

"Sandy and Seth went to the hospital to be with Ryan. I… I didn't want to be alone," She replied softly. "I hope you don't mind, me just dropping in without any notice."

"I don't mind," Julie spoke softly. She glanced at Kirsten, then turned around and walked back to the kitchen. Once she was out of ear shot, it was Kirsten's turn to speak.

"How is she?" She whispered.

"Not good," Neil responded in the same quiet tone. "But I suppose that's normal, considering her daughter is dead." He paused for a moment. "How's Ryan?"

Kirsten played with her wedding ring before answering. "He has a few scratches. Broken wrist, a couple cuts and scrapes. The doctor's are just keeping him overnight again for observation."

Neil ran his hand over his face. "Why don't you go keep her company? I have to make her something to eat, even though she refuses to touch food. But it'll be a big help if you could just sit out there with her for a few moments."

Kirsten nodded. She walked to the kitchen, then out onto the patio. Julie was sitting in one of the lawn chairs, her bottom lip violently trembling.

Kirsten slowly walked toward her, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Hi, Julie."

The brunette looked up and attempted to smile. The effort was fruitless, so she leant back in the chair and sighed. It was silent there on the patio. Or it was, until Julie chose to talk.

"How's Ryan?"

"Oh, um, just a few scratches. He's still in the hospital, for observation." Kirsten swallowed hard. "How are you?"

Julie simply looked up at the woman with a look that said "Are you serious?" Kirsten took the hint and moved her gaze out to the pool.

"Do you need anything?" Kirsten inquired after a moment.

"No."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No."

It was silent again. Kirsten shivered as the wind blew. She looked over at Julie out of the corner of her eye. The brunette's eyes were red and puffy, her skin pale. And the moon illuminated the tears on her cheeks.

"How about we go back in the house. It's a bit cold out here." Kirsten had only seen Julie cry once before, and it hadn't been anything nearly as serious as her daughter dying.

"I like it out here," Julie commented. "But yes, let's go inside." She stood up from the chair and took a stumbling step. Kirsten was there at her side. The blonde took Julie's arm without question, then guided her into the house.

Back in the house, Julie softly thanked Kirsten, then walked to her bedroom. Neil listened intently for a moment, not speaking until he heard Julie shut the room's door.

"Is there anything I can do?" Kirsten asked him. She hoped for something, anything that would keep her busy and not worrying about her friend and adopted son. She knew she would be worrying constantly about both of them; But with a given task, the worry wouldn't be quite so much.

Neil thought for a moment. "Could you maybe come back over tomorrow? I really hate to but I need to get some groceries and I just don't want to leave her alone."

Kirsten nodded immediately. "Sure, I can do that. I think I'll head home now. Call me if you need anything."

The blonde disappeared from the house without another word. Neil quietly sighed. After a moment he heard Julie's muffled sobs. He set off toward the bedroom to comfort her. Another sigh left his mouth as he realized it was going to be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

2:24 P.M.

Somehow the days had flown by. Julie didn't know how three days had passed and she didn't even realize it. She didn't remember much; And what she did remember wasn't pretty. Closing her eyes for only a moment, the grieving mother remembered waking up the previous night with a horrible stomach ache. She had spent the entire night in the bathroom, vomiting until she passed out on the floor.

Neil had found her there around six A.M. and after woken her up, had helped her into the shower. She stood in the hot water until it ran out. As she got out and wrapped a towel around herself, her skin was red from the burning water but she didn't care. Moving slowly so not to make herself sick, Julie returned to their bed and fell back asleep.

And now here she was. At her daughter's funeral. She clenched her jaw as the words flashed in her head. _Her daughter's funeral._ She felt sick again but managed to fight the feeling down.

Out of the corner of her eye, Julie saw the Cohen's enter. Kirsten and Seth were the first to be seen. They sat behind Julie and Seth moved forward to whisper something to Julie.

"I'm really sorry about Marissa."

Julie turned around as she managed a weak smile. Seth sat back on the pew, observing the woman. He'd never seen her look so horrible. Puffy red eyes, pale cheeks. No, this was not the Julie Cooper he knew.

Ryan, accompanied by Sandy, very slowly entered next. Ryan looked devastated, heartbroken and angry. Sandy took the seat next to his wife while Ryan sat on the other side of him. Both of the men gave Julie sympathetic looks just before funeral started.

Neil took his seat next to Julie. She immediately buried her face in his shoulder, muffling her sobs, and didn't stop crying until the minister began speaking.

After nearly an hour, everyone stood up and remained silent. Neil very gently helped Julie stand up; She wasn't sure what was going on and was too upset to really care. She watched in slight horror as Neil, Sandy, Seth and Ryan walked to the front of the church, then with the help of two other men she didn't know, lifted the casket up. They began carrying it down the aisle, passing the rows of Newpsies with mock-worried expressions on their faces.

She swallowed hard to keep the bile rising in her throat. They didn't care. They didn't care that her daughter was dead. Everyone though Marissa was just another spoiled brat from Newport Beach. Why were they even there? It was her dead daughter lying in the polished wooden casket.

Julie sat down on the pew as everyone else remained standing. She didn't want to cry in front of all those people but she couldn't hold the tears back anymore. Her hands covered her face as she sobbed quietly.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kirsten saw that the brunette was no longer standing up. Instead she was sitting down, her shoulders shaking violently. She walked around to the front of the pew and knelt before the crying woman.

Julie looked up at Kirsten, tears still streaming down her face. She just wanted to go back home, get into bed and sleep. She wanted this nightmare to be over, but realized it wasn't a nightmare. This was real.

"It's almost over, Julie. Just a few more minutes," Kirsten comforted the grieving mother. She decided to sit there with Julie, for no mother should be alone at a funeral. Especially when it's the funeral of her daughter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Note: Wow, thank you for the reviews! This chapter is rather short and I apologize. But the next few chapters might be shorter. School is rapidly approaching and I'm trying to get everything figured out before I have to start school. Anyhow, I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!**

**A few Hours After Marissa's Funeral**

Julie lay passed out on the bed she and Neil shared. She had been a complete wreck the entire ride home, so Neil had decided it would be best if she just took some sleeping pills and slept it off. He now sat on the edge of the bed watching his fiancé sleep.

She whimpered quietly, her mouth opened to allow a soft sob to escape. _"Another nightmare," _Neil thought sadly. He gently touched her arm as her name left his lips.

"Julie. Wake up," He whispered. During the course of a mere four days he had become very accustomed to dealing with her nightmares. He knew what to expect after she woke up; Tears and sobs of pain, anger, regret.

"No…" Julie softly cried. She was still asleep, tears upon her cheeks, the dream still playing in her head.

"Julie." Neil said, louder this time.

She opened her eyes with a start, her chest heaving as she struggled to breathe. She focused on Neil, knowing that he was there to calm her down.

"Deep breath, honey," He soothed. "It was just a nightmare. It's okay."

After a moment she managed to get her breathing returned to normal. She fought back the sobs until she was in Neil's arms. Once his warm embrace could be felt, she allowed the tears to fall.

Julie managed to calm down after a few minutes. But it wasn't until the early morning that she was able to go back to sleep. She stayed in Neil's arms until sleep took over her, and they both hoped that another nightmare wouldn't fall on the poor woman yet again.


	8. Chapter 8

**I am SO sorry it took me so long to post this! I was having trouble with this site, then I had to visit my great-grandmother for her birthday. I hope it's worth the read. And yes, it's short. I'm sorry.**

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**The next day, 1:34 P.M.**

Julie awoke slowly, keeping her eyes shut. She was lying on her stomach at the edge of her bed, her right arm slung over the side. For some reason, she felt sick again. Very, incredibly sick. With some difficulty, she managed to sit up in the center of the bed but did not have the strength to move any further.

"Fuck," She whispered to herself. Never before had she used that sort of language, but it just slipped out.

She knew she wasn't herself and hated that fact. But she didn't know how to go back to being her old self. Truthfully she couldn't figure out how Neil could stand to live with her. Since Marissa's death, Julie had basically cried hysterically and slept. She hadn't felt up to doing anything else and was still very upset with her daughter's sudden and tragic death. But she was going to try not to be quite as grievous as she had been the past few days.

She tried to get out of the bed, and after a few moments of this, she gave up.

"_I'm better off staying in bed anyway. I'm such a horrible person. I don't even deserve to leave this room. I'm a terrible mother and my girls deserve someone more caring than I am,"_ Julie thought bitterly.

With a sigh, Julie pulled the covers up over her head and decided that she'd just do everyone a favor and stay there.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Note: More Julie angst. I decided to make this chapter from her point of view. And yes, what I wrote may not make sense, about Kaitlin. Just go with it, okay? It's fiction. :)_**

My head is pounding as I wake up. It's a horrible feeling, to open your eyes and sudden feel like your stomach was going to come up through your throat. _"Disgusting," _I utter to myself.

I expected Neil to be there, somewhere, anywhere in the room. I _wanted_ him to be near me. He made me feel safe and no matter how sappy it sounded, it was true. The only other person who makes me feel that way is Jimmy; and he's nowhere to be found.

His daughter, our oldest child, was dead and he was off sailing around in that stupid boat of his. Why isn't he here with me? He should be. He should be sitting right here next to me. But he's not. And I'm really pissed, along with other things.

Another swig of vodka burns my throat a little, but it's nothing I can't handle. I always swore I'd never drink excessively. My mother drank constantly and I didn't want to be like her. It's too late to go back now. I've already downed half a bottle of vodka, and I really don't plan on stopping now.

My mind wanders from one thing to the next. Fights I'd had with Marissa, Jimmy deciding to leave, Kaitlin. _"Oh my God," _I think with slight horror, _"I didn't tell Kaitlin."_

Her sister was dead and she didn't even know it. _"Shows exactly the kind of mother I am."_

With a trembling hand I somehow manage to reach up onto the nightstand and grab the telephone. Kaitlin's cell phone number is programmed into the speed dial, so all I have to do is hold the number three button down for a moment. I feel horrible as the phone starts dialing. I'm a bad mother and that's obvious.

"Mom?"

Deep breath. "Kaitlin." I'm choking back tears now. Her voice is so much like Marissa's…

"Can you come home, honey? I really need to talk to you."

"Can't you just tell me now?"

"No." I pause, taking a moment to gather myself. "Please, Kaitlin, I need you here."

I hear my living teenage daughter sigh. "I'll be home in a little while, Mom."

She hangs up before I can say anything else. As I throw the phone across the room, I suddenly remember Kaitlin saying she was going to stay in Newport after Marissa left. Where the hell was she?

Tears streaming down my face, I grab the bottle of vodka and swallow all of the remaining contents in the bottle.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaitlin had taken the news better than expected. Once arriving inside the room, she sat next to her drunken mother on the bed, holding her cold hand.

"What is it mom?"

The words echoed in Julie's head. _How could I have forgotten to tell Kait? She and Marissa were close, she should have been the first person I told!_

The words left Julie's lips, and she expected Kaitlin to cry. But she didn't. She just sat there holding her mother's hand.

"Kait?"

"Yeah mom?"

"Are you okay?"

Kaitlin sighed heavily, her bottom lip trembling. "Mom, Doctor Roberts told me what happened a few days ago."

Julie shook her head disbelievingly. "No. Why would he do that?"

"Because you were so wrapped up in yourself that you couldn't even be bothered to call me!" Kaitlin angrily retorted. She ran out of the room, slamming the bedroom door behind her as she exited.

Julie was fuming. Neil had told Kaitlin about Marissa's death; Why hadn't he simply waited for her to tell her? _Probably because he knew it'd be days before you realized you hadn't informed her yet,_ A voice in Julie's mind said. She climbed out of the bed and stumbled to the door, her brown hair bobbing in the loose ponytail with each unsteady step she took.

Neil was walking down the hallway toward her when she finally made it out of the room. He looked worried and for some reason, that pissed her off even more.

"Why!"

"Julie, calm down…"

"Do not tell me what to do." Her breathing is ragged and he knows she's pissed and drunk. Not exactly the best combination.

"Julie." His voice is calm, soothing. She stares at him for a moment, then swallows. The look in his eyes is pure regret. "She asked me what was going on. I couldn't lie to her."

Julie bit her lip so hard she almost drew blood. She knew what he said was true, and she couldn't be mad at him. With a nod she muttered an apology before returning to her room. When she heard Neil's soft footsteps behind her, she spun around.

"Where are you going?" She inquired. Her speech slurred slightly and Neil realized she had been drinking.

"I was going to keep you company."

Julie looked up at him, her green eyes near tears. She began walking again and this time didn't object to Neil following. Laying down on the bed, Julie almost immediately fell asleep. Neil wrapped his arms around her to offer some comfort.

She knew things would be better. As time went on the death of Marissa wouldn't be quite so hard to live with. Yes, it'd be sad, but not so devastating. Julie sighed; glad Neil was there with her to help her through everything. Even though she knew everything would be okay at some point, she felt as though at that particular moment she was forever falling.


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